i always forget guys have bellybuttons
My underwear smells like fireworks.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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