she woke up with a sticky ear
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
