Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
