she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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