Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
