The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Who died my cat blue again?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
