The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
