Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
