while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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