just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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