there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
