I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
