The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
