Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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