I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Randomize
