I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
