The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
