I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
