we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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