So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
