Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
