Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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