I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
