I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
