Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
