This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
