He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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