The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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