I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
