You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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