Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
