booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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