my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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