the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Well I just put wine in my tea
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
there is glitter all over my balls
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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