Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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