Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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