I faked an abortion last night.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
