coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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