I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
