I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
