he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
