I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
