I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
