I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
you inspire me to be a worse person
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
