My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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