oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
