there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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