Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
