You can't special order awesome
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
