Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
