he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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