Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
