Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Randomize
